A Thousand Years
by kwritten
Summary: Christina Perri's "A Thousand Years" - Katherine and Elena reflect on their lives
1. Chapter 1

**Title:** I have died...  
**Fandom:** Vampire Diaries  
**Characters/Pairings:** Katherine, Elena (Elijah/Klaus/Stefan/Damon)  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Disclaimer:** I claim nothing, the PTB won all the things...  
**Summary:**Katherine listens to a song...

_Heart beats fast _

_Colors and promises _

Running. She was always running. An always hovering presence. Even if the world saw her standing still, there was always a rushing sound in her ears, a breeze that picked up the tips of her long hair and tugged whispering. _Run, run, run_. She felt forever trapped in-between coming and going. There was no longer anywhere to go, no comforting arms to hold her when she arrived, nothing to leave behind when she went.

How can you run if there is nothing before and nothing behind?

She thinks sometimes of the girl that she once was – the girl that didn't know the significance of her own face, the one who could look in the mirror at herself and smile at the face that others saw, others wanted, others loved… now she sees her face everywhere – in the past, the future, in the girl whose life so clearly reflects her own, in the eyes of the men she loved, loves, could love. She is always never the beginning never the end, but always both. The face that they see – the face that is loved – is not just her own. She stands in the center of a world where her face is merely a reflection of someone before, someone after, someone not her own self. A girl that stands for eternity – with no name, no memories, no story, no voice – only a face reflected throughout time. A face cursed by men who loved once. Men who seem incapable of letting _her_ face stand for herself and not for the memory of what once was. That other face was always there, hovering on the edge of every conversation, a shadow that haunted her very existence.

_How to be brave _

_How can I love when I'm afraid _

_To fall _

Even the first is a copy, and even a copy can be the first memory. There could be no original in her face, in her life, in her actions. Even the first has a copy, and even the first can be a copy of a memory. The second means just as much as any first.

There is no room for _her_.

_But watching you stand alone _

The day she fell in love with a tall man with a kind smile and slightly mischevious eyes, she had felt the world was finally full. She was still so young – she always felt both infant and aged – she had never known love before, she threw herself into it fully. His laugh filled her belly with warmth. She forgot past pain when trapped in his gaze. She saw her reflection in his eyes and she was beautiful. She filled herself with love for him. She was still so young.

_All of my doubt _

_Suddenly goes away somehow _

Before, there were hurried embraces hidden in shadows. Children reaching to each other in confusion. A boy she had known all through her childhood. Together they played at being adults. It was messy and wet, most of the time. Together, they shed tears and laughed. They felt as if it were only possible to be the most real versions of themselves when together, hot and rough. They rolled around like new puppies, delighted in the presence of the other, delighted in their own bodies… until the pain drove them apart.

Drove her away into her own darkness.

She thought those moments were the darkest the world had to offer. She had been wrong. That moment had merely been a shadow of the darkness hiding within her own heart, waiting for a release.

_One step closer _

His kiss tasted like sunshine.

She didn't realize, while tumbling with a mere child like herself, that lips could taste like ideas – that the rough touch of a tongue could feel like the abstract dream of a word that meant nothing.

That oblivion could feel so solid and soft to the touch.

_I have died everyday waiting for you _

She did not know it then – could not have known – that there was a frantic frenzy to his touch, that his wandering hands never stilled because they could never stop searching for something that she could not give. Searching for something – someone – that she could not be. She was always and never the answer. Always and never the reason.

Sometimes in the night, she closes her eyes and remembers, relives, reimagines their brief moments. She sees now, in the memory of his eyes, a question that she did not know the answer to. It became a source of exasperation to her later: the once-held belief in a love that she did not fully know the meaning of.

Meaning, she would later find, was prioritized by those that had more power than she. It was a point that kept her grasping, running, searching…

_Darlin' don't be afraid _

_I have loved you for a _

It was the brother that woke her from her fantasy. It was the brother that brought her back to reality… it would not be the first time that she would be at the mercy of brothers, that she would feel the pull of two such diametrically opposed yet connected hearts.

She had never known dependency like theirs. Had never seen love like theirs. The whirlwind that she was caught in was between them – had nothing to do with her. She was a mere leaf blown on the wind of their bond, their betrayal, their love, their shared pain, their shared fear.

_They_ were the one and she was the second. They were connected and she was never so truly alone as when she believed that either could be hers; that she could belong to either when they so fully belonged to each other.

_Thousand years _

_I'll love you for a _

Brothers. A lesson frozen in time, like her own face and mind. She thought, with the second set, that she could reverse it all – send cosmic payback through the centuries.

That she could keep herself detached, distant ... that she could break them apart and leave them both as shattered as she felt.

At first it had been so easy, at first these two had just been copies of those who had never seen her before. One's kiss, the other's smile had been mere echoes from long ago. Memories that whispered at her through her dreams now in the flesh, now at her mercy, now only carrying the meaning she gave them. She stripped their power away, dressed them and played with them as she had once been played with, in the name of an other face. In the name of her own desire and ruthlessness.

_Thousand more _

One kiss was all it took to make these dreams solid.

One kiss was all it took for her heart to cling to one more than another.

_Time stands still _

_beauty in all she is _

What they couldn't understand… what she could never fully explain even to herself… was that in the moment when she knew they would have to be left behind, she had her first moment of doubt. She could take one, probably. She could choose one, potentially. She could seek one out at some point.

But there was no choosing. Not right then. Not for many years later. And even in those moments when she would claim – oh yes, she would claim it true – to have always loved the one more than the other, there would be a niggling doubt.

_I will be brave _

_I will not let anything _

When she came back, she found another girl with the face that plagued her mirror.

_Take away _

When she came back, she always knew she would have to come back, there was another girl's heart at the mercy of another windstorm between two brothers; another girl with a face as ageless as time itself; another girl straddling the line between her own inner purity and darkness.

In the eyes of the brothers she saw another's face reflected back at her, just like before. She was always living a repeat of someone else's life. Even these two – these that _belonged_ to her, these that she had created with her own blood and … they were no longer hers. The game she had once taught them to play they were now masters of and her part in the puzzle was now decided by them. Her piece had been taken away while she lurked in the shadows: unseeing, unknowing.

Unaware of how desperately she relied on it to keep going.

_What's standing in front of me _

**Now.**

Now she was the darkness and the other was the light.

Now she was the demon and the other was the saint.

Now she was the monster and the other was the angel.

Now she was no longer the creator, the glorified mother, the desired beauty, the damsel in distress, the victim – now she was the outsider, the villain.

_Every breath, _

_Every hour has come to this _

Running. She was always running. She never had a place, even in her own story.

_One step closer _

It didn't matter now, whether she was the victim or villain, angel or demon, darkness or light. _They_ had decided for her. Time repeats itself. And Katherine was never not the victim of time. Of history. Even the men she had created for herself – the men who were supposed to one day find that they were mere reflections of the past, had stripped her own self away from her, given it to another girl with her face.

_I have died everyday _

_Waiting for you _

She thought sometimes of being the villain they so clearly needed her to be. In the past, she had chosen to not be the victim they needed of her … there was always a problem with her personal pronouns now… she could never quite determine which _they_.

_Darlin' don't be afraid _

_I have loved you for a_

The other. The new one. The girl with a face that had never belonged to anyone, the face that _they_ presume existed only for their own story.

She was fierce. Katherine watched her from beneath, delighting in every victory – even if it was over her. She could never say, could never let slip, could never reveal – how much she loved the face in the mirror. How much she clung to the potential of a life that prescribed its own meaning.

_Thousand years _

_I'll love you for a _

There was also bitterness, sure – she was tired of this game. She was tired of watching this game played out. It wasn't just in a face – it was in the memory. How many girls had she seen get trapped in this game? A game played by vampires, werewolves, witches, humans alike.

Men didn't seem to change, whether supernatural or not. They were always seeking a perfection, a memory, that couldn't exist. Had never existed. The draw of the face, the body, the hands of an angel was in a memory that had never been.

_How?_ How can they grasp for something that is not real, when what is solid is so much _more_ than anything their minds could create.

_Thousand more _

Even the first is a copy, and even a copy can be the first memory. There could be no original in her face, in her life, in her actions. Even the first has a copy, and even the first can be a copy of a memory. The second means just as much as any first.

There is no room for _her_.

There was no room for any of them in this game that was played without their choice.

_And all along I believed _

_I would find you _

For this, Katherine fought for her piece in the puzzle back. For this, she fought against and for her position as villain. Villain? Sure. If that's what she needed to do to get her piece back on the board. If that's what it took to gain power over any of them.

But the monster – the angel – they only had the power to live in their state.

_Time has brought _

_Your heart to me _

For _her_, she kept fighting. For the younger, she kept reaching for the light. For the younger, she kept pushing them all towards the darkness.

_I have loved you for a _

_Thousand years_

_I'll love you for a _

She watched the younger seek the Dark One.

She watched the younger seek the Light One.

She watched the choice become blurred, watched the Dark One follow the younger into the light, the Light One seek out the darkness. She watched them play a new game, one that she did not create the rules for.

She delighted in their escapism, in their ability to break out of their roles.

She hated them for their escapism, in their ability to break out of their roles.

_Thousand more _

She delighted in the idea of winning.

_One step closer _

As if for the sake of them all, she would keep playing.

_I have died everyday _

_Waiting for you_

_Darlin' don't be afraid, _

_I have loved you for a _

There was a fine line between winning and losing.

She was no longer sure if this game could have a victor.

_Thousand years_

_I'll love you for a _

_Thousand more _

She saw, in the young girl with her face, the same potential for darkness that had once lingered like the taste of berries in her mouth on a summer day. She also saw the light that she had once possessed, beaming out at her threatening to consume everything all at once. She saw, in the reflection of her that wandered the streets and touched the men she had once touched, straddle the line between light and dark, embrace both simultaneously and with as much fervor as Katherine had once embraced the brothers she had created.

It was endearing.

It was frightening.

It was intoxicating.

_And all along I believed_

_I would find you _

_Time has brought _

Shadows and reflections danced across the landscape of such a long life, of such a long dream.

What was solid was never grasped, what was malleable was always heavy on her heart.

_Your heart to me _

_I have loved you for a _

_Thousand years_

_I'll love you for a _

_Thousand more_

"Katherine, seriously?" Stefan reached from the backseat of the car to turn the radio station dial. Immediately, something with an electric guitar blared out of the speakers and Stefan sat back with satisfaction.

Katherine surreptitiously brushed a stray bit of moisture on her cheek away and looked slyly to her right, Damon's face was turned away from her as if he was suddenly fascinated with the scenery.

"I heard she wrote that song for Bella and Edward," little Caroline piped up from her seat between Stefan and Elena. Stefan exhaled a loud sigh and Katherine could hear him muttering something to Vampire Barbie … whatever argument he was simmering up was only going to make this "road trip" longer, especially if Damon decided to get involved.

She peeked into the rearview mirror at her doppelganger. Elena's eyes were shining and bright, but she met Katherine's gaze in the mirror without shame.

It was only a moment, a brief second of mutual understanding, but right then: it _mattered_ for the first time in Katherine's long life.

For the first time she truly felt a connection with the girl behind the mirror.


	2. Chapter 2

**Title:** Waiting For You...  
**Fandom:** Vampire Diaries  
**Characters/Pairings:** Elena, Katherine (Elijah/Klaus/Stefan/Damon)  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Disclaimer:** I claim nothing, the PTB won all the things...  
**Summary:**Elena listens to a song...

_Heart beats fast _

Static. Her life had always felt so static. The same clothes, friends, boyfriends, family that there had always been: a life written out for her. A life that was pleasant and normal… or possibly too contained and privileged to be normal – but one that felt solid beyond ordinary. She had never felt restless. She had never had bright dreams of a world beyond her own. Trips to faraway lands with bright lights were as far as her imagination took her, she was far too young to reach beyond the comfort of immediacy.

But, as is always the case in stories like these, the beyond crashed into her world.

_Colors and promises _

She thinks sometimes of the girl that she once was – the girl that didn't know the significance of her own face, the one who could look in the mirror at herself and smile at the face that others saw, others wanted, others loved… now she sees her face everywhere – in the past, the future, in the girl whose life so clearly reflects her own, in the eyes of the men she loved, loves, could love. She is always never the beginning never the end, but always both. The face that they see – the face that is loved – is not just her own. She stands in the center of a world where her face is merely a reflection of someone before, someone after, someone not her own self. A girl that stands for eternity – with no name, no memories, no story, no voice – only a face reflected throughout time. A face cursed by men who loved once. Men who seem incapable of letting _her_ face stand for herself and not for the memory of what once was. That other face was always there, hovering on the edge of every conversation, a shadow that haunted her very existence.

_How to be brave _

She thinks sometimes of her former dreams: childhood dreams. The dreams of writing and fame that had shaped her youngest self… and laughs…

Laughs at the naivety of youth.

Cries and yearns for the naivety of youth.

_How can I love when I'm afraid _

_To fall _

Even the first is a copy, and even a copy can be the first memory. There could be no original in her face, in her life, in her actions. Even the first has a copy, and even the first can be a copy of a memory. The second means just as much as any first.

There is no room for _her_.

_But watching you stand alone _

The day she fell in love with a tall boy with a kind smile and slightly mischievous eyes, she had felt the world was finally full. She was still so young, she had never known love before, she threw herself into it fully. His laugh filled her chest with warmth. She forgot past pain when trapped in his gaze. She saw her reflection in his eyes and she was beautiful. She filled herself with love for him.

She was still so young.

_All of my doubt _

_Suddenly goes away somehow _

Before, there were hurried embraces hidden in shadows. Children reaching to each other in confusion. A boy she had known all through her childhood. Together they played at being adults. It was messy and wet, most of the time. Together, they shed tears and laughed. They felt as if it were only possible to be the most real versions of themselves when together, hot and rough. They rolled around like new puppies, delighted in the presence of the other, delighted in their own bodies… until a sharp pain drug her from their soft, safe space.

Drove her away into her own darkness.

She thought those moments were the darkest the world had to offer. She had been wrong. That moment had merely been a shadow of the darkness hiding within her own heart, waiting for a release.

_One step closer _

His kiss tasted like sunshine.

She didn't realize, while tumbling with a mere child like herself, that lips could taste like ideas – that the rough touch of a tongue could feel like the abstract dream of a word that meant nothing.

That oblivion could feel so solid and soft to the touch.

_I have died everyday waiting for you _

She did not know it then – could not have known – that there was a frantic frenzy to his touch, that his wandering hands never stilled because they could never stop searching for something that she could not give. Searching for something – someone – that she could not be. She was always and never the answer. Always and never the reason. Sometimes in the night, she closes her eyes and remembers, relives, re-imagines their brief moments. She sees now, in the memory of his eyes, a question that she did not know the answer to.

Meaning, she would later find, was prioritized by those that had more power than she. It was a point that kept her standing still, so still as if a flicker of movement could rip her apart permanently…

_Darlin' don't be afraid _

_I have loved you for a _

It was the brother that woke her from her fantasy. It was the brother that brought her back to reality… it would not be the first time that she would be at the mercy of brothers; that she would feel the pull of two such diametrically opposed yet connected hearts.

She had never known dependency like theirs. Had never seen love like theirs. The whirlwind that she was caught in was between them – had nothing to do with her. She was a mere leaf blown on the wind of their bond, their betrayal, their love, their shared pain, their shared fear.

They were connected and she was never so truly alone as when she believed that either could be hers; that she could belong to either when they so fully belonged to each other.

_Thousand years _

_I'll love you for a _

Brothers. A lesson frozen in time, like her own face and mind.

But there was no choosing. Not right then. Not for many years later. And even in those moments when she would claim – oh yes, she would claim it true – to have always loved the one more than the other, there would be a niggling doubt.

_Thousand more_

She sought the Light One.

She reached out for the kisses that tasted like sunshine; she delighted in pulling him from the brink. She followed him into a world where a face, a touch, a kiss, a bite could mean so much. She watched him bring peace of mind to those she loved. She delighted in watching him pull others from the brink. She felt peace in his arms. His presence stilled her newfound restlessness, his presence created her newfound restlessness. With him she felt as though nothing had changed. She found him in the sunlight, in the brightness of hope. She found him in the fight against her darkness – they watched each other fight to keep their lights burning. She sought the Light One in the day, he filled her with the promise of hope.

_Time stands still _

_beauty in all she is _

She sought the Dark One.

She sought his humor – dark and biting. She delighted in standing on the brink with him. She found him in the shadows, and there they played like small, hard things. She felt him in the in-between, she sought him in the shadows. He played her heart like a drum, his presence filling her with all the things she thought she wasn't. All the things she denied about herself – there he was, as if merely a reflection of a self she did not yet know. She sought the Dark One in the night for comfort. She sought his violence. She delighted in his playfulness, watched under hooded eyes as he played at humanity. She wistfully believed he played at it better than she. She found him in her mistakes and together they fought for a place in the light. Together they fought for a reality that no longer existed. Together they sought oblivion.

_I will be brave _

_I will not let anything _

The Light One was comfort.

The Light One was her Battle.

The Light One was her Fight.

The world was a battle, she had grown to learn that.

The Light One was the Hope of Victory. Of Vengeance.

Of Happy-Ever-After.

_Take away _

_What's standing in front of me _

The Dark One was disconcerting.

The Dark One was her Release.

The Dark One was her Performance.

The world was a stage, she had grown to learn that.

The Dark One was Manipulation. Of pretending to Play along.

Of Humanity.

_Every breath, _

_Every hour has come to this _

The truth they brought with them, these brothers that depended upon her for so much – who saw in her something that she feared, this truth rewrote her entire existence. In their eyes, she was a creature that could save them from the past. In her face they saw a savior, a way to make a new future. But in their words, her world had collapsed. With their words, her life had been given new and darker meanings. Not just the shadow-world that they belonged to being brought to the surface, but the story that was her own – was no longer hers. They told her what she meant, where she belonged, who she was.

As if there was any doubt in her mind than that she was anything than what she was.

As if there was any doubt in their minds than that she was anything than what they needed her to be.

_One step closer _

She dug in her heels as the world sped by her, shifted and changed – altered her even as she resisted. She never had a place, even in her own story.

_I have died everyday _

_Waiting for you _

Sometimes it became painfully clear how much her life was merely a mirror of another story. There were first three of them, then four, now six – all living out a life, a game, a story repeated. In her mirror was a face that reflected generations.

_Darlin' don't be afraid _

_I have loved you for a_

She was the light and the other was the darkness.

She was the saint and the other was the demon.

She was the angel and the other was the monster.

She was expected to be the damsel in distress, the innocent, the sacrifice, the desired beauty, the victim – they refused her the right to rebel, to scream, to rush headlong into the world they created, the world they tried to keep her from, the world that depended on her.

The world that she depended upon.

_Thousand years _

_I'll love you for a _

It didn't matter now, whether she was the victim or villain, angel or demon, darkness or light. _They_ had decided for her.

Time repeats itself.

_Thousand more _

Men didn't seem to change, whether supernatural or not. They were always seeking a perfection, a memory, that couldn't exist. Had never existed. The draw of the face, the body, the hands of an angel was in a memory that had never been.

_How?_ How can they grasp for something that is not real, when what is solid is so much _more_ than anything their minds could create.

_And all along I believed _

_I would find you _

Even the first is a copy, and even a copy can be the first memory. There could be no original in her face, in her life, in her actions. Even the first has a copy, and even the first can be a copy of a memory. The second means just as much as any first.

There is no room for _her_.

There was no room for any of them in this game that was played without their choice.

_Time has brought _

_Your heart to me _

But the monster – the angel – they only had the power to live in their state.

_I have loved you for a _

_Thousand years_

_I'll love you for a _

She watched the Dark One seek the light.

She watched the Light One seek the dark.

She watched the choice become blurred, watched the Dark One follow her into the light, the Light One seek out the darkness. She followed them both – she embraced them both with arms outstretched, hoping to become full of it all… all that each promised.

She delighted in their escapism, in their ability to break out of their roles. She followed them there.

She hated them for their escapism, in their ability to break out of their roles. She was trapped there.

_Thousand more _

Always between – never herself, never full, never realized – always caught in the space between, always beckoning one while she embraced the other. Always embracing the one she feared, beckoning the one she terrified. Always caught between their gazes, always caught between a sense of choice.

_One step closer _

And sometimes in their eyes she saw her reflection - the other, the elder, the ageless, the timeless - and sometimes in their eyes she wished to find the other. Wished to find the strength to break from them, the Light and the Dark and the pleading in their eyes. Wished to be alone in the mirror again.

_I have died everyday _

_Waiting for you_

_Darlin' don't be afraid, _

_I have loved you for a _

She was no longer sure if this game could have a victor.

_Thousand years_

_I'll love you for a _

_Thousand more _

She saw the echo of the memories in this town with so much history. On every street corner there lingered the whisper… the ghost of a girl who was not her, who _was_ every bit of her. She saw, in the ageless girl with her face, the same darkness that had once lingered like the taste of chocolate in her mouth on a winter night: a potential that she felt herself reaching for and pulling away from in an endless dance. She saw, in the reflection of her that wandered the streets and touched the men she had once touched, straddle the line between light and dark, embrace both simultaneously and with as much fervor as Elena reached for them now.

It was endearing.

It was frightening.

It was intoxicating.

_And all along I believed_

_I would find you _

_Time has brought _

Shadows and reflections danced across the landscape of such a short life, of such a long dream.

What was solid was never grasped, what was malleable was always heavy on her heart.

_Your heart to me _

_I have loved you for a _

_Thousand years_

_I'll love you for a _

_Thousand more_

"Katherine, seriously?" Stefan reached from the backseat of the car to turn the radio station dial. Immediately, something with an electric guitar blared out of the speakers and Stefan sat back with satisfaction.

"I heard she wrote that song for Bella and Edward," Caroline piped up from her seat between Stefan and Elena. She noted a slight tightening in Damon's shoulders at Caroline's remark, at whatever Stefan's murmured response was. She ignored them.

She looked up into the rearview mirror at her doppelganger. Katherine's eyes were shining and bright, but she met Elena's gaze in the mirror without shame.

It was only a moment, a brief second of mutual understanding, but right then: it _mattered_ for the first time in Elena's short life.

For the first time she truly felt a connection with the girl behind the mirror.


End file.
